During the dawn of public television broadcasting in Hong Kong, TV programs understandably relied heavily on foreign productions due to the limited local resources. One such example was the Saturday night broadcast of dubbed foreign movies that are marketed as some kind of five star cinema. Being at my pre-adolescence I of course had no idea what movies or stars have been featured. Among the bit and pieces I remember is an absurd image of a screaming and wailing woman being strapped in a bathtub that was covered with a canvas, with only her head was above the tub. Later she tried to use her toe to tear open the canvas from underneath but once she succeeded her wailing has turned into a howling of agony...
I don't remember anything else from the movie (except a brief snapshot of a joint wedding) but this scene stayed with me because it was so bizarre to me at the time. Then fast forward thirty years later, to take advantage of living in America, I was exploring the many great and not so great filmdom got to offer. Unexpectedly I stumbled across the same scene again
This scene is from a movie named Valley of the Dolls. The rediscovery of the scene also leads to the realization of how TVB managed to get away with the kind of movie they passed as five stars cinema, for Valley of the Dolls is a movie known to be infamous rather than famous.
Until Mommie Dearest came along, Valley of the Dolls was the undisputed champion of Camp Cinema, which had wrecked the career of the aspiring starlets and stigmatized the legend starred in it. Its strong pop culture following is sustained merely because of its camp appeal and no serious film program will choose Valley of the Dolls as part of their repertoire. 'The Best, Funniest Worst Movie Ever Made', here is how the stars of the movie aptly summed it up thirty years later:
Adapted from one-time Broadway hopeful Jacqueline Susann's trashy bestseller of the same name, which chronicled three young women trying to make their ways in showbiz only to end up getting hooked on pills, affectionately known as Dolls, thus the book’s title. Filled with sex, drugs and schlock in the entertainment industry, the book was and meant to be scandalous, outrageous and sensational since such lurid inside stories have hitherto been the best kept secrets in Hollywood. However, as the old studio system crumbled in the sixties, Hollywood was scrambled to find what used to be taboo subject matters as inspiration in order to stay in touch with the young audience. Valley of the Dolls the movie was one such misguided attempt.
Hell bent on shocking the audience, the movie went all out with such way over the top kitsch and scene chewing performances that what intended to be a outrageous inside look at show business became a laugh riot of backstabbing caricature and unintentional humor (Reportedly the audience response was so hysterical during the movie première that Jacqueline Susann had to leave in tears). Highlights, or should I say lowlight, include:
The Gillian Girl Montage. A Classy, Radcliff graduated good girl, Anne Welles is really an idealized version Jacqueline Susann had of herself. Not contented to be the blissfully married New England housewife yet, Anne set out to see the world by working as the secretary of a theatrical lawyer in New York; and from there she stepped into the glitter world of false eyelash, tacky splendor and hair that defies gravity of supermodeldom, simply just by walking into her boss office taking shorthand
Before Anne can practice her catwalk sashay, she would need to prove her secretary competency by delivering contract to brassy, over-the-hill Broadway legend Helen Lawson, who had been around the business long enough to understand the secret of staying on top is to cut off anyone near who is better than you("The only hit that comes out of a Helen Lawson show is Helen Lawson, and that’s me, baby") such as Neely O’Hara, played by Patty Duke
But fear not for the poor ingénue. The very same night Helen had her kicked out of her show Neely O’Hara landed herself a gig in a charity telethon where she belted out a god-awful song, aptly named “It’s Impossible", and soon enough she was on her way to stardom, heaven knows why. Patty Duke lip-synced the song as if she was giving birth, with her pelvis constantly thrusting to you. Even more surreal is at one point her beads just cupped her breast, talk about impossibility. In the Broadway spoof of the movie Theatre-A-Go-Go’s Valley of the Dolls, the actress who played Neely O’Hara had to tape her beads to her sweater in order to recreate the same effect.
As if challenging for the most nonsensical musical number, Helen Lawson in her true grand dame fashion up the antics by barking out an even more horrendous tune called I’ll Plant My Own Tree. Without a doubt this must be one of the worst songs ever on film, with idiosyncratic lyrics like:
to welcome friends I have yet to know
Oh, I’ll plant my own tree
and I’ll make it grow
They sure don’t write lyrics like these anymore, if they ever did. Adding injury to insult is the plastic translucent Calder mobile-like set decor that keeps spinning around Susan Hayward on stage. Combined with Hayward's own demon-like facial expression and preposterous posture where her upper torso and lower torso seem to inhabit in two different zip codes, it is a number needed to be seen to believe.
Hardly coincidental, Judy Garland was originally signed on to play Helen Lawson, in what would be her last movie. But by that time of her career she had become so unreliable that it was practically impossible to work with. One week into shooting she was increasing uncomfortable with the movie, probably because of the similarity with her own story according Barbara Parkins who played Anne Welles. Garland simply just walked off the set and never come back, and took with her all the costumes the studio made for her part in the movie. That left 20th Century Fox with no choice but to fire her and Susan Hayward had to step in. However, Miss Hayward agreed to play Helen Lawson only if Judy Garland can keep her salary. That of course was a very noble gesture of Susan and she most definitely didn’t expect Valley of the Dolls would advance her career but even she wouldn’t expect the movie will skid so badly toward trash
Now we have come to the most notorious scene of the entire movie. As Neely’s star rises (not to mention her addiction), Helen Lawson’s is fading. Despite the fact that it was open to poor review, Helen brought her latest show on the road anyway with just a little *fine tune*. Smelling blood even a Continent away, Neely showed up at the opening gala of the show uninvited. Soon spark flied between the two, not to mention catty and trashy dialogue:
Look, they drummed you right out of Hollywood, so you come crawling back to Broadway. Well Brooooadway doesn’t go for booooooze and dope.
What better place for such rotten dialogue than the ladies’ room? It is a scene All Above Eve failed to deliver to the fans of campy soaps like Dallas and Dynasty. What make it all more delicious is that it was between not one but two Oscar winners: Susan Hayward won an Oscar for the jailed prostitute in I Want To Live but almost all her other best roles she played a singer: Smash-Up: The Story of a Woman, With a Song in My Heart, I’ll Cry Tomorrow, and she was Oscar nominated for all of these. Unfortunately, rather than joining the former three, Valley of the Dolls fell into the same league as The Conqueror, her other So Bad It is Almost Good movie that featured John Wayne as, get this, Genghis Khan (成吉思汗). I would urge you check out The Conqueror too if you want to have a good laugh.
But on a more serious note, the movie The Conqueror played the unfortunate role of the puzzling clue in an American episode of China Syndrome: The movie was filmed on location in a Utah dessert. Unbeknownst to the public at the time, the site was a near a nuclear testing grounds. The crew even shipped some of the sand back to Hollywood to complete the studio shoot. An unusually high percentage of the cast and crew eventually developed cancer and died relatively prematurely, including Hayward herself.
Patty Duke won an Oscar for her role as Helen Keller in The Miracle Worker five years before she starred in Valley of the Dolls, making her the youngest Oscar winner at the time. With her own popular TV show “The Patty Duke Show” she became the hottest adolescent star in America during the sixties. However, when "The Patty Duke Show" ended in 1966, like most successful child stars, she was desperate to shed her wholesome image. Relishing the opportunity to play spunky Broadway upstart turned alcoholic, pill-popping, foul-mouthed diva Neely O'Hara (a character supposedly based on Judy Garland) Patty went way over the top, chewed every single scene she was in and her reward was having her movie career killed in the process.
As indispensible in any cautionary tale is the fallen from grace scene. After a brief stink in the rehab Neely quickly relapsed back into her old vice but this time she found herself alone in the back alley, with all her friends and ally deserted her. You have to hand it to director Mark Robson, even in the supposedly downtrodden finale he was still going for broke. For lack of better idea of conveying the character’s anguish, he just simply had the heroine screaming her name at the top of her throat. I can easily imagine the camp audiences in the theater will screams God... Neely?...... NEEEEEEELLLLLYYYYYYY O HARAAAAAAAA!!!! (and laugh) with Patty Duke during this scene.
Patty Duke's personal life was as tumultuous as Neely O'Hara’s. For years she had been struggling with bi-polar disorder, which had not been diagnosed until she was in her late thirties. At 23, she romantically linked with Desi Arnaz, Jr, the 17 year-old son of sitcom queen of American Television Lucille Ball, much to the mother’s disapproval. Distraught over the broken relationship, she embarked on an affair with actor John Astin and found herself pregnant. To escape the stigma of being an unwedded mother, she reckless married to Michael Tell, a rock promoter she just met and the marriage lasted all of thirteen days. After the marriage was annulled she rekindled her relationship with John Astin and the two got married with John adopting Patty’s son. Because of the timing of the birth, there had been speculation in the public that her son was actually Arnaz’s but for years Patty believed he was Astin’s. It was only until her son was in his early twenties that it confirmed through paternity testing that the actual father was Michael Tell. Despite of these marital messes, her son Sean Astin turned out to be quite normal and became a modestly successfully Hollywood actor, most famously as Samwise Gamgee, the faithful sidekick to Elijah Wood’s Frodo Baggins in The Lord of the Rings trilogy
Mother and son, Patty Duke and Sean Astin. Can you see the resemblance?
Completing the Unholy Trinity with Anne Welles and Neely O’Hara is Jennifer North, played by the then rising star Sharon Tate. A sexy bombshell who self confessed that all she had is a body, the way for Jennifer to make it in the business is by doing bust exercise. While she might have no talent, but what Jennifer had is a heart of gold. She yanked all the rich sugar daddies going after her to marry for love – in the form of the struggling crooner Tony who was under the tight control of her half-sister manager Miriam, played by Lee Grant.
Turn out there was a reason for Miriam’s reticent toward Jennifer. Tony was an unfortunate victim of Huntington’s chorea, an incurable heredity disease that would eventually lead to mental and physical degeneration. In another word Jennifer was married to a vegetable in the making. This part of the story might sound familiar to you because TVB has totally ripped this off for their series《大亨》. For those who are not “seasoned” enough to remember, 《大亨》was TVB’s own cautionary tale about how four young men get to the top through some honourable and unhonourable means. The four main characters were played by 鄭少秋, 劉松仁, 盧海鵬 and the mostly forgotten Shaw Brothers (邵氏) actor 林偉圖. The subplot of 林偉圖 involved him being infatuated with a young but naïve singer played by 容惠雯, much to the disapproval of her manager sister 蘇杏璇. It was only after they are married that 蘇杏璇 revealed to 林偉圖 of her sister’s illness.
In Valley of the Dolls, eventually Miriam had to pimp Jennifer to a French director to make ‘art’ film (a.k.a nudies) over Europe in order to support Tony’s medical expense. Now I do wish TVB had the nerve to steal this part of the plot as well, particularly if you remember how 林偉圖 looks like
林偉圖
Because of its reputation, everyone involved in Valley of the Dolls has long been the target of ridicule. The public in general, however, is a little kinder to Sharon Tate. It isn’t so much her performance is better than everyone else but more because of her real life tragedy as the victim in one of the most horrific homicides ever in American history
Sharon Tate started out as an extra in Hollywood before getting notice in the TV sitcom The Beverly Hillbillies. Discovered by producer and mentor Martin Ransohoff, she was recommended to director Roman Polanski for his first Hollywood Movie The Fearless Vampire Killers. Polanski and Tate fell in love during the filming and soon they were married in 1968. With both careers on the rise they seem to be the 'It' couple in Hollywood
Sharon Tate's wedding to Roman Polanski
After wrapping the comedy 12 + 1 in Italy, Sharon put her career on hold and flied back to her LA home to expect on her first child, with Polanski joining her in about three weeks for the birth. Unknowingly, Tate has become the target The Manson Family, a quasi-commune of alienated, confused, social misfits drawn to the Hippie movement and drug culture in the late sixties, all but eventually brainwashed by the extremely charismatic, manipulative yet dangerously disturbed and anti-social Charles Manson.
Charles Manson
Charles Manson was a child of an unwedded prostitute who rejected him. Until he was in his thirties Manson spent much of his life in and out of reform schools and prison. It was in prison that he learned how to play guitar and developed an interest in music. After he was released from prison in 1967 Manson soon settled in San Francisco. Through the power positive thinking skill he acquired in prison, he turned a legion of flower children that fled to the city at the time into his fanatic followers. Meanwhile he wrote songs and made acquaintances with people inside the music business. However, his view of the world turned increasing twisted with his lack of success in the industry. He told his followers that the song Helter Skelter from The Beatles’ White Album was a coded message of an impending apocalyptic race war, and they would need to follow his order in order to survive. That included breaking in the former home of record producer Terry Melcher, now shared by Sharon Tate and Roman Polanski, and ‘totally destroy everyone, as gruesome as you can’…
I don’t want to go into the grotesque detail of the crime for the tone would deviate too much from the rest of the article. Suffice to say that it is very unnerving to hear the testimony of how Sharon begged for her life so that her son, who was two weeks away from being born, could be spared. In the end, both were denied mercy. Had her son lived, he will be my age. May both mother and child rest in peace.
