it will be brought home to you soon enough
Albert Camus
For me, it has certainly been brought home in the last month
Reminder 1
An uncle who is still at a relatively young age has unexpectedly passed on during a trip to China by himself. Even with a history of heart problem, the abruptness has caught the entire extended family by surprise nonetheless, particularly when it was last than a week before we had our long distance Chinese New Year greeting on the phone. The irony is my uncle already has a procedure (an LVAD implant I believe) scheduled in a month time as a precaution to the major heart operation he had had fifteen years ago. It is always tempting to second guess in situation like this - what if the appointment was schedule just a wee bit earlier? What if family member has accompanied him during the trip? What if...? However, the cold fact is what happened did happen. In retrospect, it had been suggested that he might not have survived the operation he had fifteen years ago. You can argue that he had managed to bargain an additional fifteen years from death already. It is just that human are naturally greedy. When you have an extra fifteen years spared to you, who wouldn't ask for a sixteenth year?
Reminder 2
Despite my valiant effort of clean living which includes daily swimming, light diet AND 100% smoking and alcohol free, my blood pressure just refuses to go down. My diastolic reading has consistently hit over mid-ninety, a rather fearful number for someone my age. As much as I hated to concede, it seems I have no choice but to cross the point of no return - take up the advice of my physician of medication and just try to put the unnerving notion that likely it will be for life out of my consciousness. Maybe the thought that my maternal grandmother and now her son have both met their early end will make it easier to bear.
Reminder 3
A co-worker who has been complaining about stomach pain for awhile had checked himself into hospital three weeks ago. Only last week it was confirmed to be cancer. Being a working visa holder, he has no family whatsoever in US at all and as a non-relative the hospital did not have the permission to reveal the detail to me. All I know is from what he is willing to divulge but he appeared to be upbeat about the situation...
The biggest blow came when I have to visit him for some paperwork he needs me to fill out for him two days ago. Having just completed his first round of chemotherapy, gone was the cheerful optimism. What remained seems to be a wreckage of flesh that somehow survived the onslaught of chemical corrosion. He looked under-nurtured even when he was healthy, now he is just downright anorexic. When I see how alarmingly prominent his collarbone has become I tried my best to feign unperturbed but even I can tell I didn't succeed. Years ago when I read 《死亡, 別狂傲》 by 蘇恩佩, a point she made is the treatment sometimes is even more frightening than the disease itself. That sentiment no doubt was dancing in my mind. He told me the doctor is putting him under observation for now to see if he would need a second round of chemotherapy. I just swallowed my question about whether his frail body can take that.
When I walked out of the hallway of the ward to the elevator I can't help but feel death has brushed me by. You got to wonder how would that do to one’s spirit by prolong staying in that habitat, regardless how spacious and nicely decorated it is. Even worse is when I looked at date of birth on the completed form he wants me to send, I realized he just spent his 30th birthday in that room...
The tough part is he has asked me to keep his condition a secret at work and he prefers not to receive guests at the moment. It is understandable why - with the portable toilet that situated next to him and the dark fluid coming out periodically through the tube tucked into his nose, it is not just the worry brought to the visitors but also the indignation he didn't want to face. However, it is not easy to hold back your emotion answering people's inquiry of his well being, when all the images of his skeletal frames are flashing before your eyes. The sad truth is covering it up is really the only thing I can do for him now and I didn't even do that well. It is only when we are faced with the crisis in life that you realized how powerless human are, how powerless I am.
